I have a lot of people out there who read what I have to say. I’m humbled that you think what I say is important enough to read. When you comment about various things, I am moved a great deal that it meant that much to you or touched you in a way that compelled you to let me know. The greatest desire of a writer is to touch people, move people and make people think. If I have done that, then I have achieved my ultimate goal in life.
That said, I also think it is very important to be honest with people. When I express emotions I am a human, just like you. I sometimes write things that have been about my past or my relationships and my remarks indirectly hurt someone. I never really mean for that to happen, because I get lost in the writing and releasing of the emotions … sometimes one of which is anger.
I Feel That I Owe Readers An Apology Too
This isn’t a good thing and it makes me feel that I’ve misled people and it makes me feel that I’ve done a disservice from time to time. Today, I’d like to set the record straight. I’m kind of a bitch. I’m not easy to live with, put up with or even understand. I’m complicated. I have a learning disability that great affects my ability to communicate, and more importantly, to understand people. I take things the wrong way. I take things out of context and I have been known to over react. It costs me a lot in my life. People tell me that I need to get a grip on it, control it, work on it, etc. They simply don’t understand that it’s chemical and genetic and I can’t just “get a grip” on this. I can medicate myself, but the amount that it takes to really help makes me feel drugged and unable to function physically. I sleep all the time. I feel hung-over all the time and sick to my stomach. My frustration levels build and I get aggravated. I am very upset with myself in these situations because I don’t want to over react and I don’t want to be angry, it just happens. After it happens, sometimes I am very remorseful but it doesn’t exactly help at that point. The damage has already been done.
The Part Where I Admit I’m An Asshole
I need to apologize to someone and while she doesn’t want me to do it publicly, this is what she deserves. I vented publicly and I should apologize publicly. I took comments that she made very personally because she was important to me and her opinions mattered to me. It made me feel so picked-on and pressured, exactly what someone like me can’t deal with. She didn’t mean to do that to me. I know this now. The pressures I felt were the ones I put on myself. My reactions were to speak harshly to her, say hurtful things that I really didn’t even mean and hurt her when it was really the very last thing I wanted to do. I’d compare it to feeling like a wild animal that gets backed into a corner and, out of fear and anxiety, scratches and claws anyone who comes near…even the helping hands.
It isn’t right. I know this. She was not an awful person in any way, she just had her own way of doing things and because I wasn’t really very honest with her about my learning disability to begin with, we had great difficulty in communicating. When you have an issue that makes you feel defective, your initial desire is to hide it from people. I should never have done this. I should never have hidden from her and I should never have lashed out at someone who cared … because I know that she did.
The Truth Is Out
I’m defective, now you know. Now you also know that ranting about my “ex” recently was not the right thing to do and I owed her better. I’m sorry. Times when I should have talked to her, I wrote things instead. Writing has been the only thing that helps me get inside myself, focus and becomes almost meditative for me. Writing is my refuge, a place where I feel safe. Talking, especially face to face, is full of anxiety for me, it scares me and makes me want to run and hide. There were times I just wanted to lay my head on her shoulder and cry. There were times when I just wanted to be silent and be close, just to listen to her heartbeat. She didn’t understand that I needed that calm and stillness and that I couldn’t talk in those moments. I wanted her to be my refuge. I never told her that and I never let her be.
To Set The Record Straight
She’s really a wonderful person, but she’s a busy person with so much going on in her world. I never wanted to add a stress to her life. I never wanted to take away from her. I wanted to be there for her, I wanted to support her and be her cheering section. She’s brilliant. Amazingly smart. I admire her. I wish I was more like her in a lot of ways. I didn’t want her to know my flaws because I was afraid she would not be able to handle it, understand it or have time for it. I never gave her much credit I guess?
At any rate. I owed her an apology. She deserved better. I’m sorry, Dragon.