Posts Tagged ‘beliefs’

I Won’t Let Go

Posted: January 12, 2013 in death, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help
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I push the button to connect and wait for you. You miss the call – typically –  and I am sitting here laughing as I know I will get an IM saying something like “oops….try again! LOL”

Chuckling at you, I try again. I hear you answer but it takes a moment to load. Suddenly there you are, looking back at me and I feel myself getting warm all over. You think you are “average” and don’t see yourself the way I do at all. I think you are stunning and you take my breath away.

You don’t know how the things you say about your past hurt me inside. The abuse… I was there for part of it …but when you talk about it or tell me things that I didn’t know about …. it makes me cry. I fight tears in front of you, because I know you’re so proud. I know that you have the same convictions in life that I do. You tell me that these were lessons and that they made you strong. Woman, you are so strong. I see a beauty in you that you will probably never be able to understand, but I want to spend the next 50+ years doing my best to make you see it.

There’s something in your eyes, when you look at me, that makes me tingle all over. No one’s ever looked at me like that. It makes me feel so humble and so happy. You make me see how unbelievably lucky we have both been to find ourselves back to where we are. How many gazillion little things all had to happen in this crazy world in order for us to ever meet in the first place? Then for me to go so far away from you, only to find out that you had never let me go? Who could know I’d be going to somewhat crazy lengths to try to get back to you now? I feel like it’s you….YOU are my destination.

 

MolineILHP

 

 

I’ve never believed in having a soul mate. I’ve never believed in any of that. I always just felt like we found someone that we could care about and we called it love. So many things have happened in the last year of my life and I’ve come to learn so much. I finally understood how one single event could set-off a chain of other events. I came to realize that making the wrong choice was okay with God. He let me make a LOT of wrong choices in my life, knowing that I’d eventually figure it all out. He sent people into my world to help teach me those lessons and some of the lessons were very hard. I’ve cried my fair share of tears. I know you have too. Now we have angels working on our behalf to help me get back to you. SO many people that I owe thanks to. I give thanks every night when I crawl into my little sleeping bunk …. then I dream about you.

All of a sudden, here you are again. It was like we collided in a turmoil once before. Both of us in so much of a vacuum in our own lives that we both trapped in our worlds. There was simply no way we could just “happen” back then. It wasn’t going to happen then, but it seems like we both got sent on our own adventure’s and pains, heartbreaks and lessons to learn. Now, here you are in front of me, on my screen … smiling at me and stealing my heart with every smile and each sigh. Do you realize that I’ve told you things and admitted fears to you that I don’t tell anyone else? Do you realize that I’m not AFRAID to tell you those things and that I know beyond a doubt that I am perfectly safe to tell you those things.

I used to say that you were too young for me. I used to think in terms of being human and having an expiration date. You used to tell me that it was just a number and you didn’t care about it – but I did. When we started talking again, I remember telling you about the fears that I had, laying in that hospital bed this summer. I felt your reaction to my words and what you said to me too. I realized for the first time, that day and in that conversation, that you may have a different birth year than I but you are an old soul. You are wise beyond your years about matters of the heart. You understand what is important in this life. I think you are amazing and inspiring.

We keep saying to each other, “you get me.” We both seem equally amazed because for too many years we’ve been told by other people that they didn’t get us. There’s nothing you can’t tell me or I can tell you. Today we talked about our fears. That is a huge thing for me. It’s big for you too…yet we seem to do it with each other like it’s no big deal. I’m reminded that you are my miracle in life. You simply being there, typing to me, talking to me…. you are a miracle.

I told you that I was playing for keeps this time. I will stand by you. I will hold you and I will never let you go.

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I Wrote Your Name On A Balloon

Posted: August 1, 2012 in death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, self-help
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Have you ever been at someone’s side as they died? Have you watched the breath escape their body and hear the rattle as their body shudders to a halt? I have. I know death and know the things that people speak about in their last moments. I remember hearing the stories of her youth, watching the tears well in her eyes remembering an old dog she had as a child. Her memories, good and bad, were everything to her at that time, as her long life was drawing to a close.

The lessons that I’ve learned in my life are not the same as you will learn because our purposes here are different. I think all souls are beautiful but I don’t think all people are. Sometimes I’m amazed at people’s inability to see the world outside of themselves. Sometimes I am even more amazed when they have convinced themselves that they do.

Here is what I know. My past experiences have made me who I am today. Every thought and every decision I make are based on the experiences in my life that I have been through, good or bad. True, I have choices, but my choices are a product of the things I have learned to be true. My past IS my truth. I owe the past a debt for teaching me, for bringing me here to where I stand now. Am I perfect? Certainly not and I have never professed to be so. I’m human. I was made to make mistakes. I’m beautiful in my constant state of imperfection and I’m okay with me.

Do I over react? Sometimes I do and sometimes I have been the voice of reason in the lives of other people. I suppose it is a trade-off?

What have I learned most recently? To honor my truth. As I said, my past IS my truth. I don’t have to live in the past in order to honor it. I need to pay attention to what I have learned, in order to honor myself … and in doing so, I honor my past as well as my present and my future. Time is not a straight line. Neither am I.

Here is what I promise to honor in my future; the truths I need to uphold in my life:

 

  1. I will never again date anyone who does not openly identify as lesbian and is proud of that fact. I feel that this is important to the cause of gay rights, it is important to the gay youth who need positive role models, it is important to the people in the closet who need that reassurance that there are people out here who will embrace them and lastly … because it is important to change the world. I also feel it is something that I need to have in a healthy relationship.
  2. I will never ask someone to lay low in my life or not be my friend because someone that I am dating, or going to date, isn’t comfortable with my friendship with you. I don’t care if you are an ex or just a friend or someone I had a one night stand with. There are two of them on my Facebook page now and I have no intentions of getting rid of them. If you can’t trust me then we have nothing to begin with.
  3. Never again will I defend myself to someone over and over. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, hit the road. This is my new motto.
  4. I’ll never apologize for my past, because without it I wouldn’t be here. It is part of me, it reminds me when I move in the right direction or the wrong direction. I learn my own lessons, at my own pace, without someone else having to point it out to me.
  5. I will live my life for me. Never again will I conform to what someone else wants me to be, do, think, feel, wear, eat, read, learn, play or see. If someone doesn’t honor me, as I am, and bring positive to my life, then I will leave them behind.
  6. I will never, ever hide who I am ever again. I will never again date someone who cannot happily introduce me to someone as their date, their girlfriend or partner. I’ll never again be a shadow in someone’s life.
  7. I will only date femme women who clearly understand the butch femme dynamic and have done it before, get it and know how to treat a butch woman and honor me for who and what I am.
  8. At the sign of the first red flags, I am going to trust my intuition and walk away. I am going to listen to my gut and stop hanging around too long, expecting a different result from the same situation.

 

These are just a few of the things that are going to be a part of the new me. I don’t need someone in my life. I’m truly a very happy person alone most of the time. My life is going along really well and even though things are tough right this very moment, I don’t foresee this lasting much longer. Physically, I feel fantastic. Emotionally, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I’m standing up for me, what is right for me and what I need. It may not be right for others and that’s fine. I honor you and your truth, even if you don’t think I do. As I said before, I think all souls are beautiful and I wish you well on the journey of your soul.

Recently I was questioned why I said I was spiritual and have also said I’m an atheist. I’m going to clarify this while I’m at it today. I do not believe in heaven, hell or God in the sense that Christians believe in those things. I do not need “God” to be spiritual. My thoughts on religion are not good, in all honesty. I subscribe to thoughts more along the line of Taoism or Buddhism. I believe in reincarnation, I believe in a progression of the soul. I believe in learning to be a better person. I know I am not perfect but I honestly really do my best to learn and evolve. I do try to work on my short comings and I try to be a good person overall.

I’ve been called mean by two people in my life. They were both people who made me uncomfortable, insulted me over and over without even realizing that they were doing it, didn’t listen to me when I tried to tell them how I felt, and just generally were people that I should never have had in my life to begin with. The red flags were flapping in the wind and I just kept ignoring them. As a result, I believe that I acted out and really was mean to them. For that I apologize. I should have let you go sooner.

This morning I wrote your name on a balloon and I released it. I watched it fly away, to heights unknown. I honored you as I did this. I released your soul to move on and follow the path that you need to follow. I will not hold you back. I wished you well and I was happy for you. I pray that you’ll have a care free life, that you will find your health again and that you will do what we are meant to do, spread your wings and fly.