Everyone always says to me, “Keep your chin up, tomorrow is a new day.” I’ve always tried to listen to this advice but lately it just seems like too much to do. First of all, tomorrow really ISN’T a new day, because all the shit I did wrong yesterday still comes back to haunt me.
Sometimes I find out that I”m doing things wrong when I thought I was doing things right. Sometimes all the trying just wears me out in a way that is so exhausting that I wonder why I keep trying or why I even get out of bed some days at all. I lay my neck out under the guillotine and I bare my soul. It seems like I get zero points for that from anyone, but I get called to the carpet for other things. I feel like the little kid who made breakfast for mom and dad and instead of them being happy with me, I get grounded for destroying the kitchen in the process. Today…I’m Eeyore. I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m entitled once in a while. Get over it.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. At 1am I looked at the clock. I got up, got a drink of water, sat at the table and gazed out at the moonlight. Tried to go lay back down. At 2:30am, I was back up to pee and wander back out to the table. I put my head on the table, exhausted but still cannot sleep. I prayed. Oh yeah, this is when God and I get very in depth when it comes to my life. My mind is working overtime and my gut is telling me something is in the air. I try to lay down again. At 4am, I give up and sit at the table with sweat trickling down my chest, the back of my head is wet because it is so hot. I hate it. I’m itchy from the mosquitoes. My legs are scraped to the point of bleeding and I’m sure there will be scars….all from mosquitoes this year. Nothing is going right. NOTHING.
I go back to bed. At 4:45 I looked at my watch but that is the last thing I remember, until 8am. Promptly at 8am, the yard crew decides to start weed-eating and edging right in front of MY house. Sitting straight-up in my bed, I glare at the man outside my window who is unknowingly making my life hell at this very moment. He doesn’t even notice me. Story of my life.
I was FINALLY asleep and even actually dreaming. Now this man has become the object of my disdain, but it really isn’t him. It’s my life. I fell and hurt myself yesterday. Getting up this morning hurts like hell. My toe feels possibly broken. My ass hurts from landing hard. My knee is stiff and sprained and my ankle is a little puffy. No one asked me today how I feel.
I get to the main computer room at the park to find that the internet is out and I have to ride my bike 5 miles to the library if I want to use the internet. I need to, because I’ve been instructed to do some things by someone who is somewhat pissed at me. So…I go. I do what I need to do, because she’s right and I was wrong and again, I’m paying for yesterday’s stupidity and wondering when – if ever – that I’m going to get things right. I try…I really do. Things just don’t seem to work out for me.
I refuse to be an angry person anymore. I won’t let that eat me alive one more day. In it’s place though is this huge void. The part of me that was once filled with so much rage is just sort of ‘empty’ now. I don’t know how to describe it. I’m frustrated but far from angry. I am looking for answers and reasons, looking for the things that are going to help me fill that void. I get exasperated because some days it feels like for every step I take forward, I take two steps back.
This morning, I got smacked back into reality. Again, two steps back. I feel like I should have stayed in bed today…I don’t have any fight left in me. I feel like the air has been sucked right out of my lungs and that that I am slowly suffocating in my mistakes from yesterday. I’m fighting through the jungle to get to the open clearing where my redemption awaits…only right now I feel that the bugs and the exhaustion are going to kill me before I get there. Feeling pretty hopeless and defeated right this moment.
Tomorrow is a new day, right? <bangs head on wall>