This morning, as I opened my eyes, I was aware of two things. The first, the cat was staring at me. The second, “Knights In White Satin” was playing in my head. Loudly. I wonder if the cat could hear it too? I lay there wondering if the whole song is going to play thru or not. It keeps skipping at the same part…”letters I’ve written, never meaning to send”. Why? There is a DJ in my head and he’s trying to tell me something I think?
I picture a little dude that looks like Deepak Chopra, with a baseball hat on backwards, headphones and a turntable. He’s occupying space in my head and sometimes he just fucks with me. The messages are cryptic. They leave me feeling nuts. Maybe I am? Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you all this. Note to self…if I see anything that looks like men with a white coat, AVOID them. Cargo vans are also suspect. “Never meaning to send….”
The cat is meowing. I’m grumpy. I hiss at him. He gets that and exits the bathroom with his tail high in the air. I let my head fall against the wall. “just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore….” Suddenly I am singing out loud…still on the toilet. “Some tried to tell me…thoughts they cannot defend”…”and I love you…..yes, I love you…oh how I love you”….banging head on the wall in time with the beat, imaginary though it may be. Breathe – just breathe. Imagining myself smacking little Deepak upside the head.
Feed the cats, Feed the dog, open the door and let the dog go out to pee. I walk out with him. Halfway to the pond I realize I’m only wearing boxer shorts. No pants. Oh well…fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke. The dog is squatting and he looks like this is getting hard for him. He’s so old. “just what the truth is…I can’t say anymore….”
We’re back at the house. I’m going to take a hot shower. I’m going to use the campers showers…the water never runs out. I decide that I’m still not going to put pants on. I walk to the shower in my underwear. They’re boxers…not like anything is hanging out either.
Turning the water on. I’m still itchy. I turn it up as high as I can stand the heat. It helps. My back hurts. I can barely bend over. I realize I’m no better off than the dog. My bed is too hard. Maybe if I didn’t ride my bike everywhere with a 30# pack on my back I’d feel better? The hot water feels so good as it runs down over my shoulders. “Knights in white satin, never reaching the end…..letters I’ve written, never meaning to send…” I wonder if the letters are my life? I write my life…I never send the letters…wait…no…they’re letters to MYSELF. That’s it isn’t it? My life is one long letter to myself!
Lil’ Deepak scratches the record as he brings it to a halt. A second of silence. Suddenly the music switches. Matchbox 20 is announcing, “I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell”…. Son of a bitch.