Everything is in pieces. It’s always been that way.
For anyone with ADD, ADHD or other learning disability. No one understands. People can’t see your issue. People tell you they understand when they don’t. They forget. If you’re a parent, your children will be judged, labeled, medicated and treated like they are just bad. I have ADHD.
From http://www.livestrong.com:
A person with ADHD might have problems expressing himself or communicating with others as a result of the presence of other undiagnosed mental health problems. People with ADHD commonly have co-existing mental health disorders that include, but are not limited to, learning disorders, autism spectrum disorders and mood disorders. While having ADHD itself will impact a person’s ability to communicate, the presence of any of these other disorders will also impede a person’s normal communication skills.
My Morning:
It was dark this morning when I woke-up. I’d only been asleep a few hours. That damned John Mayer song is playing in my head again. Shut the fuck up, John! Can’t you see I’m trying to sleep?? I don’t know what time it is. Where’s my watch. I always sleep with my watch on, why not last night? Oh…that’s right, I’ve been itchy. I was scratching … where did I take it off?
Geesh, I’m itchy. I wish I didn’t bite my nails, then I could scratch better. Where is that metal ruler I used the other night to scratch my back..it’s here somewhere. I feel around in the dark. There it is. I scratch my back and eventually end with my legs. I wonder if it is possible to scrape a hole in my leg? I’m probably bleeding. I can’t see. It’s dark. I should be more careful, I’m diabetic. These scratches and bites could really get infected. Well, maybe I’m not really diabetic anymore. My readings have been normal recently. Wait…when was the last time I checked? I really haven’t been eating very well lately. I think I want donuts for breakfast. I haven’t had donuts in a really long time. I want coffee too. Where can I get that? I really should look for my test kit.
John…shut-up…seriously. Maybe if I take a hot shower this itching will stop? Captain is sitting there staring at me now. God, what a good dog he is. I know he wonders why in the hell I’m scratching like this. Fucking Florida bugs. At least I haven’t seen any roaches. I really hate roaches. “Okay, Cappy…let me get your breakfast.” He really is a good boy…he’s dancing down the hallway now. He really would like Karma. Sigh. Doubt that’s going to happen.
I reach for the dog food, the cat starts crying. I grab the cat food instead. The dog sighs. John is still singing. I’m still wondering if hot water will help. I’ve been awake 5 or 10 minutes. Where IS my friggin’ watch??
People don’t understand me. I’m used to it. It doesn’t hurt any less. It just is. I have autistic tendencies at times. I have auditory processing issues. I get agoraphobic and have panic attacks when I’m in crowds. I have a soundtrack that plays in my head all the time, 24 hours a day. I assume it plays in my sleep, it plays all day long and is there first thing when I open my eyes. I have a tendency to get depressed, because of all the other issues. The doctor calls it “situational depression”, slaps a prescription in my hands and pats me on the back on the way out the door. I’ve learned “detachment” in self-defense. I walk away. Isn’t the first time, probably won’t be the last. It doesn’t hurt any less. It just is.
Thank you for sharing. My son has ADHD as well as autism spectrum.
God bless him. Be patient with him.
I have lived attentionally challenged all my life (I am so NOT disordered). I solved the where is my watch problem – I don’t wear one & I try not to be obsessed with time (though I am). And now after reading your thoughts I am itchy.
Radically accepting that I live being attentionally challenged I stopped going to licensed drug pushers for solutions to fix who I am.
Instead i embrace me – ALL OF ME.(new song for you to hum –
You are NOT disordered – you are fine just the way you are. You are creative. You are compassionate. You are REALLY FUNNY. And you see the world in a way boring people who are not attentionally challenged just don’t get. They need meds.
Thanks, Jessica. I don’t take the pills anymore. I hate how they make me feel. Unfortunately, I do feel defective in many ways. I AM obsessed with time. For the most part, I get along just fine. It’s when I let people into my world and then they don’t get me and I want them to so desperately…that’s when it hurts and when it bothers me. “All of me…why not take alll of me…can’t you see, that I’m no good without you. You took the part, that once was my heart…so why not take all of me?” Yeah…I know the song. Fitting.
I have always had attention problems, but it’s hard to say which came first, depression or attention problems. In school I was repeatedly referred to as a “daydreamer” by teachers.
My son has been diagnosed with a mild form of ADHD, and is about to embark on adult life at the ripe old age of going-on-19.
I love (strange to say) your writing out what goes on in your mind; it’s a real gift leading to much greater understanding than reading any textbook or article on the subject that I’ve ever come across. Thank you.
If it helps someone, then it gives me some solace.
I’m so enjoying reading your blog. I’m hearing and vision impaired, in the severe range. I didn’t know until reading this that you have similar issues. I’ve been following you over on FB, admire your ‘tude’ and writing, both. Now I’m even more impressed.
Thank-you! That really means so much to me. This is a journey of self-discovery that I am on. I’m someone who is very flawed but working on myself.